If Lies Could Kill

i am shaking right now after talking with husband on the phone…i have never felt sooo angry and sooo frustrated that i almost blurted out all the cuss words there is to say to him…i was forced to talk to him now because i can no longer hold back the anger that has been slowly building up…

i directly asked him for the complete name of his other woman…the one he has been chatting with five years ago up until now…he gave me  a completely different name and tried to downplay it by saying that he really didn’t know what her real name was, only her nickname….i also had to ask numerous times for the woman’ mobile phone…before he gave it to me, he even warned me not to bother the woman anymore since he said they are no longer in contact with each other…yeah right!  you’ve been chatting with her over the weekend…it took him so long before he gave the number to me…i think long enough for him to have warned her about me…so i called up the girl’s phone, set it on loudspeaker so that husband can hear thru the other line…when my call finally pushed thru, she did not even bother to say anything…just kept on listening to my voice…i called her again but this time, number can no longer be reached…

if my hands could only reach her from my phone to hers, i would have gladly bitch-slapped the whore to the ground…both of you have been making a fool out of me for the past 5 years!

hearing him deny and downplaying everything makes me so fucking mad!  to say that i am livid is an understatement…i have read every single detail of your chat conversations…everything!

you have been very busy painting me as the immoral wife when all that i ever did was be loyal to you…my life revolved around the kids…around family…while you on the other hand set up two different facades…all those years you have been lying straight to my face…pretending to be all godly when you really are not…even when presented with evidence, even if i have to forcibly shove it down your throat, all i still hear are denials…

if lies could kill, i am starting to feel immortal…starting to feel that i have been given a thousand lives ‘coz i am still here even after all of husband’s constant lies…

ENOUGH.

and yeah, here is the woman’s details:

+ 63 09488463828

FB account:  Tsikae Strawb

name:  Maria Talandong  (as per husband—which i highly doubt is her real name)

nickname:  Franz

location:  Digos, Davao Philippines

characteristics:  fat, has a mole on her upper lip just right below her big nose

go ahead and be my guest…feel free to contact her…i am done with being discrete…karma is truly a bitch…and so are YOU!

Denial King, Plastic Queen, Sorry Bitch

i am feeling so f*cked up these past few days…have hardly slept thru the night…i hate having to witness time and time again how the husband is doing two faces at once…the dr. jeckyll and mr. hyde syndrome…what triggered it was when i sent his aunt a screenshot of husband’s sexual conversations with someone else which i found in his yahoo account…when i asked the aunt if she was able to open it already, she said she didn’t know how…and so i asked her for her phone, opened the screenshot i sent and showed it to her…

and then i saw it…i saw a conversation she had with my husband…husband made up another FB account aside from his personal one…in there, i read all the twisted advises she had been giving him…advising him to always cover up his tracks and delete conversations like those i sent so i won’t be able to see it…advising him to pray harder that his love for me will fade…advising him to look for someone else and separate from me…all the while, i thought she was advising him for the good of our marriage instead of finding ways to ruin it all the more…i recalled having to read her text message once telling husband to always be careful and hide his drug paraphernalia so i won’t be able to find out…here she was trying to condone everything that husband was doing and making me look as the bad wife…what kind of person are you???

and so that night, i was set on a mission…i tried to figure out how to access husband’s other FB account…luckily, i managed to open it and felt devastated to read all of their conversations…i don’t think there’s a need for denial anymore since the cards are all stacked up against them already…it was not only conversations with his aunt that haunted me…it was there that i read conversations with his other woman as well…his previous lover i suppose that he managed to track thru FB…they were exchanging “i love you’s”  and were trying to plan of meeting again once he comes back from work…woman knew he was married…hell, she said it did not even matter anymore since she loved him already…numerous phone calls (long distance) were made…long conversations were done…girl even mentioned seeing him 5 years ago…5 years ago we were already married…what were they doing that time?!?  and here he is, trying to make me look as the one who cheated on our marriage!  who is the cheater now?!?

i have also read conversations he made with the mother of his son…when husband was single, he got someone pregnant and had a son…but then, the woman’s family had her married to her boyfriend at that time…good thing she had the decency to advise my husband on how to make our marriage work and then promptly blocked him from her account…husband even had the gall of suggesting to the woman that this time might be the right time for them to get back together again since the woman have long been separated from her husband already…wow…just wow…

and so, i made a post on his account and tagged everyone on his list…the other woman got scared and immediately blocked me from her account…she then made another account so she could get to send me a message saying sorry for what happened…saying that she did not want to get in a mess and did not want her friends/family to know what she has been up to…saying she did not love the husband and everything was a mistake…ha!  and to think their conversations were a far different story…***slow clap for the b!tch***

and now husband just sent me a biblical qoute and a message saying he loves his family…it irks me when he acts as if everything else is still normal…it almost made me puke so hard that i could have turned my intestines inside out…

infidelity.  drugs.  alcohol.

denial.  hypocrisy. bitchiness.

when will it ever end?

***transcript from the post i made on his account:

Hi ALL, this is the WIFE of the account holder.

I have always felt that husband was doing something fishy behind my back. And true enough, naa jud diay gihimong mga milagro. I just did not have any proof until now. I was finally able to open his account. An account he made aside from his personal account.

I am shaking right now and feeling nauseaus just reading thru all of his chat conversations. To the women he chatted, it was not only with you that he talked to. There are around a dozen of you na gidungan niya og chat. I pity those he has deceived…trying to win them over thru “paawa” stories and making me look as a bad wife. To those who knew he is still married but still continued to feed on his vulnerabilty kuno, karma is just around the corner. For those who advised him to work on his marriage, thank you for being decent enough. You all know who you are.

It is good he did not use his real name and placed a photo of himself in this account and that he did not add any of our family members and friends. I do not wish any of them the heartache and dismay if they happen to read all that my husband is up to.

It is funny when you try to tell me that I am the one who cheated on our marriage. No, it is the other way around. Please, just stop trying to pretend that you are godly when you are not. I am doing this now so you will know that I know everything that you have been doing.

What hurts as well is when some of your relatives cover up for you. But it does not matter because at the end of it all, it is still YOU who is responsible for your actions…and there are no excuses to what you did.

I hope you realize the wrong that you have done. Just don’t try to keep going around looking for pity from other women…telling them your sob stories and everything else.

I stopped answering your calls and messages when I realized you still have not changed. All I needed to hear was an apology and your acknowledgement of your vices drugs alcohol etc. I never got that from you.

There was never any effort on your part to see the kids before you left. Too many reasons and excuses. Now you are saying that I am cold towards you. I know you know the reason why.

Even when you where still here, you were never around. I did not drive you away in the first place. You chose to go out with your friends instead of spend time with your family. How am I supposed to feel?

You just got home but then you left us just a day after you arrived. You spent it drinking and getting high with your shady friends. You never seem to let go of the drugs that have corrupted you eversince.

Talking with you does not seem to go anywhere since you almost always forget what we talk about. Everything is like a haze for you. You only get clean off from drugs when you are going to get your medical check. After that, it is back to heavy drinking and drug use.

No, it was not just “tilaw” as what you’ve told your chat friend here. It was full blown usage. Countless of times I have seen some of your paraphernalia.

You see, there is your problem right there. You are still in denial of it. Healing cannot take place if there is no acceptance of your vice. Gisamotan pa jud nimo sa pagloko here. All the more, you are pushing me away.

I did not brainwash our kids to hate you or anything. Please tell your relative about that. Wala sila “nanagana” og storya because naa ko. They could have asked the kids even if I was there. Stop making wrong interpretations.

Please be true to yourself. Whatever the situation might be, what you are doing now to other women(chatting, calling on the phone, sex chat, etc) is doing more harm than good. Whatever your intentions might be, you are doing it all wrong.

Sa mga naloko that he is single, too bad…this serves as a warning and wake up call to you…For those who knew he is still married but still continued to flirt, what goes around comes around. For that one woman who blocked him from her FB, thank you.

For my husband, rethink everything that has happened. On my part, I know I have my lapses as a wife and I am sorry for that. I have always been loyal to you from the start. But it is your actions that have been driving me away.

Think. Rethink. Accept your faults. Stop blaming others for the way your life has turned into. Take responsibility.

addicts are blind…

i came across this very helpful post and every single word from it hit a nerve…experienced all of these from my husband and have heard all sorts of denial from him…i quickly realized that i have become an “enabler” due to my response and actions…

hearing him out say all his denials and lies—enabling…
accepting and forgiving him and believing he will change—enabling…
threatening to leave him but never going thru with it—enabling…

as for the other people in his life:

giving him a place to stay in their house while we had some unresolved issues—enabling…
listening to his sob stories and empathizing with him—enabling…
laughing at him and making it out as a joke whenever he is high on drugs—enabling…
doing things the way he wants it to be done even if it is wrong in so many levels—enabling…

this i tell you, he will never learn unless he hits rock bottom…he will never learn unless people will stop pampering and giving in to his whims…how will he ever decide to change if everything else is going just the way it is as before?

the only way for him to learn is to make some changes…changes that will at least have an impact in his life and make him realize the error of his ways…

just sharing this one out to all of you…
http://waterfallconcept.org/addicts-are-blind

Addicts are Blind

Insp-1When we are in our addiction, we are blind to it. Alcoholism and all other addictions come with built in denial. The patient does not know that they are ill. They have no real concept of how severe the situation is and they are frequently not willing to talk about it at all. (Larson, 1998)

That makes recovery a bit difficult. In the mind of the addict, recovery just isn’t necessary. The addicts response when first confronted with his situation is: I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM!!! It is an emphatic response, often with anger and indignation that such a thing might even be proposed. The more anger and indignation, the more probability that there is a problem. One of the many painful frustrations for family and friends is watching someone they love, losing their life to addiction while they seem completely unaware of it. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) describes addiction as a cunning and baffling disease. (Bill W, 2001) Indeed all addictions may be so described. Addictions steal our sense of, and contact with, reality. It is part of our blindness. We weave such an intricate web of rationalizations and justifications to allow our addictive behavior, that we become engulfed by the darkness of our lies of denial and are blinded. Drunkenness is excused as, “Just letting off a little steam.” Smoking marijuana as, “It’s the only thing that helps me relax.” We use Meth not because we are addicts but say, “I have to work two jobs and need the help staying awake.”

The truth is this:  WE ARE ADDICTS. WE DO NOT REALIZE WE ARE ADDICTS, AND WE WILL DO WHATEVER WE HAVE TO DO, AND SAY WHATEVER WE HAVE TO SAY, TO CONTINUE TO BE ADDICTS.

To gain the comfort of acting out in their lives, addicts employ the truth and reality bending benefits of denial. Denial is the hall pass to our addiction. Insp-6Denial can help us justify our acting out or even hide it completely, even from our own eyes. One sex addict emphatically said, “I was NOT a sex addict. I was NOT that guy!” He really didn’t believe he was until he recognized that he was doing what a sex addict does. That is some of the hardest work of recovery; recognizing, coming to terms with, and gaining freedom from the addict’s patterns of denial. Unfortunately, we lie to ourselves as much as we lie to others. “I need this,” or “No one will know,” even “I am not hurting anyone.” The list of thinking errors or denial patterns is very long. Addicts are very creative people. Often, the more intelligent they are, the better addicts they become. Terence Gorski MA has identified the patterns of denial in his book, Denial Management Counseling (Gorski, 2000).

These patterns are:

Minimizing and Absolute Denial. Some addicts are like our friend Ron, using Absolute Denial, I am NOT that guy! He also throws in a little Minimizing for good measure, Yes, I had some problems with affairs, but…. One of the classic reasons that individuals cannot recognize themselves as addicts is that they don’t meet their definition or their mind’s picture of what an addict is. It is the perfect setup for Minimizing:

Elton was a pretty high functioning alcoholic. He taught high school, didn’t miss work, and was very well respected by both colleagues and students. In John’s mind an alcoholic was the guy in that Christmas movie with Jimmy Stewart. The unshaven guy, disheveled, stumbling in and out of bars, begging for drinks. Elton was nothing like that, so there was no way he could convict himself of being a drunk. Reality is that alcoholics come in all kinds of packages, and Elton came to understand this when he was driving home from work with a very high blood/alcohol content and was the cause of a terrible accident that took someone’s life. He couldn’t deny that he was a drunk anymore.

An extreme example of Absolute Denial is given by an undercover agent on Clark County’s Drug Task Force: If we are following a car with marijuana, cocaine or heroin, as soon as we are discovered, windows come down and drugs fly out the window; however, Meth users believe they won’t get caught. When I pull over a meth guy, and I get him out of the car, I ask, “Do you have any drugs on you?” Invariably the answer is no. When I search his pants, and a stash is found he instantly blurts out, “These aren’t my pants!” Now my first question upon stopping a suspect is, “Uhh, are those your pants?” Accountablitiy(LowRes)Meth addicts can really bend reality with denial. Their drug of choice profoundly harms the brain, creating a surge of thinking errors. The thinking and denial patterns progress to a point of being so distorted and illogical that anyone else can easily recognize the lie. The meth addict thinks it is believable. He is quite indignant when we can’t accept his explanation. This is Absolute Denial on steroids! The meth addict is so trapped in his thinking that getting out is impossible without a great deal of help. Help that he doesn’t see as necessary. It is not uncommon to hear a heavy drug user minimize by saying, No way I am an addict. I don’t use needles. It keeps the addict in the, What I am doing is not that bad category! It allows us to escape the reality of who we have become. Shary and Frank had been married almost 15 years, had one child and the appearance of the picture perfect relationship. Everyone loved my husband, Shary thought. Then she found a long history of e-mails and internet activity that painted a picture of many affairs and betrayals. A very common form of absolute denial looks like this:

When I confronted him, it was terrible. He accused me of spying on him and of violating his privacy. “You owe me an explanation,” I said. He was angry and hostile and said he didn’t owe me anything. He thought that he hadn’t done anything wrong. You would think he caught me doing all those things by the way he was acting! He tried to kick us out of the house and has been taking everything that he can. He is being vicious. The one person that I thought I could always count on and trust was leading a secret life.

Addicts love to use anger and indignation as an alternative to admitting their addictions. As in Shary’s case, it can get ugly. Many spouses and friends, in their confusion, hurt and fear, back down from the angry, bellowing addict. Being loud and angry doesn’t change anything. If you are an addict, you are an addict, no matter how loud you beller.

Denial by Avoidance. An Avoider is happy to talk about anything that does not involve his drug or alcohol use. He has become an expert at manipulation to keep the spotlight off of him and his use. He uses a variety of techniques to practice his form of denial. He is great at changing the focus by asking provocative questions that put attention on others. He loves to put others down and gets a double payoff. It makes him feel better about himself, and it focuses attention away from his use. He might say, So, I saw the cops over at your house last week…what was going on? Or, John said you weren’t at the AA meeting last night and he thought you were out drinking instead…so what’s going on? Users of Avoidance become masters at being vague. I guess, maybe, I drink socially, I smoke occasionally, is the flavor of their conversation. They are purposefully unspecific and unclear to avoid others knowing their reality (Najavits, 2002).Insp13 Avoiders may also like to create a lot of drama. They love to keep things stirred up. Always at the expense of others. The benefit is again creating a smoke screen that helps hide their own behaviors and situation from public knowledge.

Denial by Rationalization. This addict always has a good reason. Excuses were created for rationalizers: I drink because I am depressed. Pot is the only thing that relieves the pain. Rationalizers punch their own ticket to get on the addiction train. They rationalize themselves right into trouble. Good rationalizers have enough truth and logic that we accept what they say without question. Individuals of high intellect are especially good at this form of denial.

Denial by Blaming. Blamers have never been at fault for anything. There is always someone or something else to blame. Blamers create resentment to their advantage. Your nagging is impossible to live with…who wouldn’t drink? By creating a victim role for themselves, they feel justified in using. Everyone wants to feel sympathy for a victim. We want to be nice people. Blamers set us up. Making us feel just enough sympathy for them that we do not question their solutions.

Denial by Comparing. Those that compare are close cousins to the minimizers. They take comfort in the fact that they aren’t as bad as that guy. They often take the next step in logic and deduce for themselves that they are not addicts.

John’s brother was in and out of rehab most of his adult life. He seemed unable to shake the demons. John spent a great deal of time and money trying to help his brother. It never occurred to him that he was also an alcoholic (even while drinking a fifth a day), because he didn’t have the problems his brother did.

Comparing sounds like this; Yeah, I use some, but I’m not out of control, I am sure not like that tweaked out Jerry. Now that guy has a problem, you should be talking to him! The addict is very comforted that he is not Jerry, even to the point that he can completely excuse his own addiction as not that bad. This isn’t very far from, I do not have a problem. I am Better, Therefore, I am Well, Denial. There is a phenomena in recovery that creates this denial pattern. When recovery is begun with some sincerity, progress is made. There are immediate results. Clarity begins to return, guilt and shame are eased, and the addict feels better than they have felt for some time. After this it is easy for the belief to come that healing has happened and is accomplished. They are sure that their using wasn’t that bad, and often believe they can use on a limited basis without harm. Those who fall into this trap, are soon back in their addictive behaviors.

Denial by Hopelessness. Hopelessness is especially problematic for long time addicts. You can only try to quit so many times without success, before the point or belief is reached that quitting is not possible. Giving up hope soon follows. When hope is lost, the addiction game has moved to a whole new level, and recovery becomes much more difficult. Even reaching out or seeking help becomes impractical in the addicts mind. Addicts affected by hopelessness can allow themselves unlimited involvement in their addiction. After all, there is nothing that can be done. They believe, This is my fate.

Denial by Right. This addict recognizes what he is doing, admits his addiction, but claims the right to continue his self destruction. I have the right to kill myself! Leave me alone! It is a very common denial pattern among adolescent males and is often founded on anger and shame.

Throughout the process of recovery when we encounter denial, we should apply the Recovery Attitude of Accountability. Accountability is the antidote for denial. We should measure recovery progress in terms of behavior and not words. Addicts are master word manipulators. Words can easily paint any picture weInsp16 wish. That is why denial serves the addict’s purpose. Behaviors reveal the true intention of the heart. Whether with ourselves or those with whom we are trying to rebuild relationships, don’t listen to the words. Watch the behaviors. It is easy to say, I am no longer going to lie to you. The truth and the reality will be revealed over time, as honesty is displayed repeatedly and dishonesty is absent. But he said he had changed are the most often uttered words of spouses who have been disappointed, yet again. The words of an addict cannot be trusted. Only consistent, reliable behavior can be believed. Denial patterns are presented when the client uses his addict voice. I am not as bad as John. I don’t have a problem. I am past help. The raising of the addict’s voice is a very important therapeutic moment. The clinician has opportunity to further recovery by pointing these statements out and identifying them. At this moment the client may be introduced to the addict within, a meeting that is often quite surprising to the addict.

same old…same old…

it’s an hour before he departs once again to go back to work…he is already at the airport just waiting for his flight…

telephone keeps on ringing…mobile keeps on beeping…he has been trying to contact us so that he can talk to our kids before he departs…he even asked his aunt to intervene…sending me messages for me to let my kids talk to their father so that he will have some peace of mind before he leaves…

i had to haggle with both kids so that they’ll answer their father’s calls but both seem too indignant and stubborn…finally, our son relented and answered him…

he may not have known it but we placed his call on loudspeaker…i heard him say how sorry he was…how much he regretted everything he has done…how much he loved me and the kids…how he promised to try to be a better husband and father by the time he comes back…

i had to close my eyes as i gritted my teeth out of anger and frustration…hearing him say all those things to our impressionable young son while getting text messages from him saying a whole bunch of other things…still accusing me and saying other vile and nasty things…it seemed as if he was playing the role of both dr. jeckyll and mr. hyde…trying to gain sympathy from others while doing something behind their back…

just what the hell is wrong you?!?

i could have sworn that it felt as if it was deja vu once again…i have already heard the words he said countless times before…on times like this when he is about to depart…complete with all his drama and tears…trust me when i say that he could have won a bunch of oscars already…

i don’t know what the future holds…nor do i hope that this time around, he will be true to his words…only time will tell…only he himself can make the change…

I just needed to vent some things out of my chest…i needed an outlet…so this is why I decided to make my very first blog entry…here goes…

I am angry, bitter, sad, frustrated, relieved and overwhelmed all at the same time…feelings of grief pour over me and I know that I need to let this out…I am grieving for my marriage…I am grieving for the future of my family and my kids…a future that is supposed to have a family that is intact and complete…it is useless talking some sense to someone whose mind is already clouded with doubts and paranoia…maybe clouded by some residue of drug use and having some temporary, if not permanent, effect to the brain…it is useless to talk to someone who has given preference to his vices rather than his family…drugs…booze…infidelity…what is even sadder is when all those things are thrown back at you…I have now become the “doer” of such things and have been cast as the one who destroyed the marriage…leaving the husband as the victim himself…

it is so unfortunate that even some of his relatives have given some wayward advices instead of trying to help him out to change his ways…they have become his enabler…I have now refused to play this part after 10 years of marriage…at first, it felt liberating to finally be able to open up to my own family with regards to everything that I have been through during those 10 long years…it felt as if a sharp dagger has finally been taken out from my chest…

for 10 years I have endured the same repetitive cycle…he comes home, acts as a good husband and father for a couple of days, starts to drink, goes out with his “barkada”, comes home at dawn and sometimes the next day…this continues until he gets a call from their agency that he will be going back to work again…and so for the final days before he departs, he tries to make amends for all that he has done during his stay and tries to make up for everything…all within just days before he goes back to work for another 6 months or so…then by the time he is onboard, he keeps calling and saying how much he misses us… saying that he will change for the good the next time he comes home…this cycle repeats itself every single time…

we got married last may of 2005…the 10th year of which should been celebrated but he did not make any effort to be around to spend that day with us…no, he was not onboard that time…he was not even on a different zip code…

I have had numerous heartaches that I can even remember…

how would you react as a new wife when right after he came back from work (2006), he drunkenly brags to you that he no longer uses hookers as much as when he was not yet married? to tell your wife that he was only able to get it on with just 7 women during that specific contract while it used to be much more than that…and then to add more insult to injury, to tell your wife that the first one he used had the same name as his wife…

how would you feel as a wife when a month after he came home (2009), you became unexplainably unwell? when for 3 days I have endured flu like symptoms and was just lying in bed trying to drive away the chills and body pains only to know later on that it was not the flu but a sexually transmitted disease caught from the philandering husband…and you even told me not to worry about it since it only costs just a mere thousand for the medicines…

how would you feel accidentally reading his text message to his mom that he has hired a hitman?  i asked him what it meant and if he was intending to have me killed…he nodded yes…what?!?  even if you haven’t hired one yet, you are already slowly killing me with everything that you have done to hurt me…

how would you feel as a wife when you have endured months of taking all kinds of medicines and antibiotics to fight off the infection and then later on realize that you are pregnant with your second child while you are still on medication? to know that my child’s life and health was put on the line drove me nuts…I cannot forgive myself nor my husband if anything ever happened to my son during that time…

how would you feel if you hear your kids being threatened by their own father that they will be sent to prison and to child services (dswd) if they kept on trying to cover up their mother’s supposed indiscretions…of hearing you tell them and even writing out a note that you are going out to have sex with someone else because I refused to do it with you…they are kids for crying out loud! a 9 year old and a 5 year old…our own children…

how would you feel as a mother witnessing how you have harassed our daughter and strongly shaking her until she cried buckets of tears out of fear and shock… forcing her to give you the answers you wanted to hear that the flowers you found were not from her but from my alleged lover…it was from her and it had been placed in the car’s dashboard for ages…how could you possibly overlook it?

how would you feel as a mother seeing your son throw his stuffed animals at their father, punching him in the leg and then locking him out of the room when he saw how he forcibly stripped me naked? It was not because he wanted to be with me but because he wanted to see if I had kiss marks and hickeys from someone else on my body…we were all in fear of you that night that we had to pull the bed over to the door just so you won’t be able to get back in…it was just me and our two kids…and that was on the eve of our supposed 10th year… you hurriedly left that morning that in your hurry, you have scratched the car on both sides of the bumper…revving up the car so hard that I almost thought you will ram it against me…I had to go back inside the house only to find once again two pieces of tinfoil stashed inside your matchbox…

how would you feel having to explain to our son why his father is not around on his birthday even if the son knows that he is just in another part of town? You came that night at 2am banging and kicking our kids’ bedroom door because you said you wanted to give our son something for his birthday…drunk and highly inebriated…you only stopped when our son told you it was already too late and that he was too sleepy already…you again left early that day for reasons only you knew…leaving a thousand (your gift) on the table and a note saying that I should not be having sex with someone else on top of our dining table and on our living room couch…you have clearly been hallucinating so much…

I have on numerous occasions found some of his drug paraphernalia…tinfoil, small plastic packets, rolled tissues with burnt tips, improvised lighter with a syringe needle…many times I have confronted him about it but he always denies everything…almost always, he tells me it belongs to someone else or he simply gives me that blank look on his face…worse, he accuses me of framing him up and planting those things as evidence…

I have also found some inappropriate messages in his phone and his web chat history…talking to other women like it is no big deal…I have also confronted him about it but the same thing happens…denial…

for 10 years I have endured all that and more…but his last vacation proved to be the icing on the cake…just 1 day after he arrived, he was back once again to his drinking, his shady friends and his drugs…just one fucking day! so I tried to act as if I no longer cared…I became so jaded and insensitive to the point that I myself no longer liked the way that I have morphed into…unlike before when I used to go and look for him or flood him with messages and calls every time he goes out..unlike before when I used to just believe his lies saying that it wasn’t his paraphernalia and belonged to someone else just so we can have peace…unlike before when I leave my office work just to go home and do some heart to heart talk with him since it proved futile to be working while trying to hide away all the tears…

and because of my response to him, he is now trying to say all these crazy shit about me…trying to say that I no longer loved him and that I have been unfaithful to him…saying that I was having an illicit affair with our neighbor and even with his own brother…saying that I have been using all his money and disregarding payments to our house…why do you have to stoop that low to degrade me and other people just so you can use it as an excuse to your drug use and drinking? You have thrown all these vicious crap at me…It even came to the point of accusing me of being the one doing drugs that is why my weight has drastically dropped and my health have been compromised in just under one month…remember that our helper left us without any notice when she could no longer bear your warped senses after you physically squeezed her mouth when she tried to answer you back…

please…please realize that you did all this to me…I am not doing drugs…I am not being unfaithful…come to think of it, I have never even slept or had sex with anyone else except with you…you even had the gall to ask me before who took me first…I don’t know if you were high or just plain drunk at that time…all your accusations are all in your head…your paranoia will get to you someday and you will never have the peace of mind that you want…

and now you say to me that I am no longer the person you came to know and love before…I guess in a way you are somewhat right…and I have to say that I share the same sentiment…i myself do not like the “me” that I have become because of you…but in a way, I realized that I need to be that kind of person…I needed to be strong for myself and for our kids…in your physical and emotional absence, I had to be the disciplinarian to the kids, tutor, caring mother, budget keeper, car mechanic, plumber, electrician, carpenter in our house and everything else in between…I had to count on myself to get things done…yes, you are a good provider…I can attest to that…but remember, all those are just material things…money cannot replace your presence…you were never around when we celebrated some family occasions…because even if you were there physically, your mind and heart were not…

I admit I have also made certain lapses as a wife…I am haunted by questions of “what ifs”…what if I acted as I always did before? What if I kept on disregarding everything that I have found out about you? What if I kept on believing what your relatives say that I should keep on understanding you and extend my patience? What if I kept on chasing you around every time you felt a need to get away? What if I did not bring it up to my family?

Then I guess you will never learn…and our marriage will be kept forever in a cycle…on and on it goes…not unless you learn and start doing something to change for the better…

and so, I decided to leave…leave for now…I would only like to ask you and your relatives that you will not twist the truth…they know what I said when we confronted you…ask them again for the truth this time and not some twisted things…I cannot risk my safety and those of our kids when you still have not sobered up…I am only looking after their safety and welfare that they will not be traumatized further…

as they say, addicts always find ways to shift the blame on other people…it is never their fault as they always see themselves as the victim…they will always be in denial of their addiction to the point of hurting not just themselves but others as well…dragging their family along with their kids to misery…they will sway you with their endless stream of tears and sob stories..drug addiction is not just the addict’s problem…it is a family disease and it dugs deeper than you expect…

my only plea to you now is for you to seek enlightenment…do not think of me and the kids just yet…we are doing good…just give time to yourself for you to reassess where your life is headed…free your mind from any unfounded and irrational doubts and paranoia…no one else can help you out but you yourself… and to begin that, you need to realize and come to terms that you are addicted and that you need to get out of it for your own good…i hope that you will be enlightened…