I just needed to vent some things out of my chest…i needed an outlet…so this is why I decided to make my very first blog entry…here goes…

I am angry, bitter, sad, frustrated, relieved and overwhelmed all at the same time…feelings of grief pour over me and I know that I need to let this out…I am grieving for my marriage…I am grieving for the future of my family and my kids…a future that is supposed to have a family that is intact and complete…it is useless talking some sense to someone whose mind is already clouded with doubts and paranoia…maybe clouded by some residue of drug use and having some temporary, if not permanent, effect to the brain…it is useless to talk to someone who has given preference to his vices rather than his family…drugs…booze…infidelity…what is even sadder is when all those things are thrown back at you…I have now become the “doer” of such things and have been cast as the one who destroyed the marriage…leaving the husband as the victim himself…

it is so unfortunate that even some of his relatives have given some wayward advices instead of trying to help him out to change his ways…they have become his enabler…I have now refused to play this part after 10 years of marriage…at first, it felt liberating to finally be able to open up to my own family with regards to everything that I have been through during those 10 long years…it felt as if a sharp dagger has finally been taken out from my chest…

for 10 years I have endured the same repetitive cycle…he comes home, acts as a good husband and father for a couple of days, starts to drink, goes out with his “barkada”, comes home at dawn and sometimes the next day…this continues until he gets a call from their agency that he will be going back to work again…and so for the final days before he departs, he tries to make amends for all that he has done during his stay and tries to make up for everything…all within just days before he goes back to work for another 6 months or so…then by the time he is onboard, he keeps calling and saying how much he misses us… saying that he will change for the good the next time he comes home…this cycle repeats itself every single time…

we got married last may of 2005…the 10th year of which should been celebrated but he did not make any effort to be around to spend that day with us…no, he was not onboard that time…he was not even on a different zip code…

I have had numerous heartaches that I can even remember…

how would you react as a new wife when right after he came back from work (2006), he drunkenly brags to you that he no longer uses hookers as much as when he was not yet married? to tell your wife that he was only able to get it on with just 7 women during that specific contract while it used to be much more than that…and then to add more insult to injury, to tell your wife that the first one he used had the same name as his wife…

how would you feel as a wife when a month after he came home (2009), you became unexplainably unwell? when for 3 days I have endured flu like symptoms and was just lying in bed trying to drive away the chills and body pains only to know later on that it was not the flu but a sexually transmitted disease caught from the philandering husband…and you even told me not to worry about it since it only costs just a mere thousand for the medicines…

how would you feel accidentally reading his text message to his mom that he has hired a hitman?  i asked him what it meant and if he was intending to have me killed…he nodded yes…what?!?  even if you haven’t hired one yet, you are already slowly killing me with everything that you have done to hurt me…

how would you feel as a wife when you have endured months of taking all kinds of medicines and antibiotics to fight off the infection and then later on realize that you are pregnant with your second child while you are still on medication? to know that my child’s life and health was put on the line drove me nuts…I cannot forgive myself nor my husband if anything ever happened to my son during that time…

how would you feel if you hear your kids being threatened by their own father that they will be sent to prison and to child services (dswd) if they kept on trying to cover up their mother’s supposed indiscretions…of hearing you tell them and even writing out a note that you are going out to have sex with someone else because I refused to do it with you…they are kids for crying out loud! a 9 year old and a 5 year old…our own children…

how would you feel as a mother witnessing how you have harassed our daughter and strongly shaking her until she cried buckets of tears out of fear and shock… forcing her to give you the answers you wanted to hear that the flowers you found were not from her but from my alleged lover…it was from her and it had been placed in the car’s dashboard for ages…how could you possibly overlook it?

how would you feel as a mother seeing your son throw his stuffed animals at their father, punching him in the leg and then locking him out of the room when he saw how he forcibly stripped me naked? It was not because he wanted to be with me but because he wanted to see if I had kiss marks and hickeys from someone else on my body…we were all in fear of you that night that we had to pull the bed over to the door just so you won’t be able to get back in…it was just me and our two kids…and that was on the eve of our supposed 10th year… you hurriedly left that morning that in your hurry, you have scratched the car on both sides of the bumper…revving up the car so hard that I almost thought you will ram it against me…I had to go back inside the house only to find once again two pieces of tinfoil stashed inside your matchbox…

how would you feel having to explain to our son why his father is not around on his birthday even if the son knows that he is just in another part of town? You came that night at 2am banging and kicking our kids’ bedroom door because you said you wanted to give our son something for his birthday…drunk and highly inebriated…you only stopped when our son told you it was already too late and that he was too sleepy already…you again left early that day for reasons only you knew…leaving a thousand (your gift) on the table and a note saying that I should not be having sex with someone else on top of our dining table and on our living room couch…you have clearly been hallucinating so much…

I have on numerous occasions found some of his drug paraphernalia…tinfoil, small plastic packets, rolled tissues with burnt tips, improvised lighter with a syringe needle…many times I have confronted him about it but he always denies everything…almost always, he tells me it belongs to someone else or he simply gives me that blank look on his face…worse, he accuses me of framing him up and planting those things as evidence…

I have also found some inappropriate messages in his phone and his web chat history…talking to other women like it is no big deal…I have also confronted him about it but the same thing happens…denial…

for 10 years I have endured all that and more…but his last vacation proved to be the icing on the cake…just 1 day after he arrived, he was back once again to his drinking, his shady friends and his drugs…just one fucking day! so I tried to act as if I no longer cared…I became so jaded and insensitive to the point that I myself no longer liked the way that I have morphed into…unlike before when I used to go and look for him or flood him with messages and calls every time he goes out..unlike before when I used to just believe his lies saying that it wasn’t his paraphernalia and belonged to someone else just so we can have peace…unlike before when I leave my office work just to go home and do some heart to heart talk with him since it proved futile to be working while trying to hide away all the tears…

and because of my response to him, he is now trying to say all these crazy shit about me…trying to say that I no longer loved him and that I have been unfaithful to him…saying that I was having an illicit affair with our neighbor and even with his own brother…saying that I have been using all his money and disregarding payments to our house…why do you have to stoop that low to degrade me and other people just so you can use it as an excuse to your drug use and drinking? You have thrown all these vicious crap at me…It even came to the point of accusing me of being the one doing drugs that is why my weight has drastically dropped and my health have been compromised in just under one month…remember that our helper left us without any notice when she could no longer bear your warped senses after you physically squeezed her mouth when she tried to answer you back…

please…please realize that you did all this to me…I am not doing drugs…I am not being unfaithful…come to think of it, I have never even slept or had sex with anyone else except with you…you even had the gall to ask me before who took me first…I don’t know if you were high or just plain drunk at that time…all your accusations are all in your head…your paranoia will get to you someday and you will never have the peace of mind that you want…

and now you say to me that I am no longer the person you came to know and love before…I guess in a way you are somewhat right…and I have to say that I share the same sentiment…i myself do not like the “me” that I have become because of you…but in a way, I realized that I need to be that kind of person…I needed to be strong for myself and for our kids…in your physical and emotional absence, I had to be the disciplinarian to the kids, tutor, caring mother, budget keeper, car mechanic, plumber, electrician, carpenter in our house and everything else in between…I had to count on myself to get things done…yes, you are a good provider…I can attest to that…but remember, all those are just material things…money cannot replace your presence…you were never around when we celebrated some family occasions…because even if you were there physically, your mind and heart were not…

I admit I have also made certain lapses as a wife…I am haunted by questions of “what ifs”…what if I acted as I always did before? What if I kept on disregarding everything that I have found out about you? What if I kept on believing what your relatives say that I should keep on understanding you and extend my patience? What if I kept on chasing you around every time you felt a need to get away? What if I did not bring it up to my family?

Then I guess you will never learn…and our marriage will be kept forever in a cycle…on and on it goes…not unless you learn and start doing something to change for the better…

and so, I decided to leave…leave for now…I would only like to ask you and your relatives that you will not twist the truth…they know what I said when we confronted you…ask them again for the truth this time and not some twisted things…I cannot risk my safety and those of our kids when you still have not sobered up…I am only looking after their safety and welfare that they will not be traumatized further…

as they say, addicts always find ways to shift the blame on other people…it is never their fault as they always see themselves as the victim…they will always be in denial of their addiction to the point of hurting not just themselves but others as well…dragging their family along with their kids to misery…they will sway you with their endless stream of tears and sob stories..drug addiction is not just the addict’s problem…it is a family disease and it dugs deeper than you expect…

my only plea to you now is for you to seek enlightenment…do not think of me and the kids just yet…we are doing good…just give time to yourself for you to reassess where your life is headed…free your mind from any unfounded and irrational doubts and paranoia…no one else can help you out but you yourself… and to begin that, you need to realize and come to terms that you are addicted and that you need to get out of it for your own good…i hope that you will be enlightened…

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